Everybody needs a little time away
      I've heard her say
      From each other

Wind rushed past but I kept my eyes open against the stinging of my eyelids and rode on. Cool sea breezes ruffled my hair and my mind instinctively wandered to a time when a loving hand had performed the same ministrations... and a pair of warm and smiling lips had graced my own.

It's been... what?... Two months since I'd left him in that clearing with tears streaming down his cheeks and words of false hatred said to hurt my heart erupting from his mouth. And still, after two months apart, his face and his eyes continue to plague my mind. I see the mischief in those heartbreaking amaryllis eyes when I sleep and the laughing, teasing face when I wake. Perhaps to serve as a cheap imitation of something that I could use to ease the pain in my heart, knowing that I couldn't see him. Or something that could be used as a blade that digs deep and refuses to budge as it tore open my heart and enjoyed the pain that I went through thinking of him.

Whichever it was, I allowed it and welcomed it... at the same time hated and resented it. It was a symbol of something that I could never hope to hold in my arms anytime in the near future. And it was something that kept the lonely and empty darkness at bay as I laid on my bed, staring at the light of the moon that so reminded me of him.

The only bright light amongst tiny pinpricks that could never hope to compare with its beauty. The only object of meaning amongst others that could die and fade without notice. The object that I could only admire but no longer touch without something that said: 'mission'.

I shook my head. This was not what I'd come out here for. I'd come to get my mind off the laughing braided boy that was permeated on my thoughts. I'd come to get some semblance of my mask back together before I would leave for a mission that would be my first contact with him since that day. And yet all I could think about was him. But then that was nothing new. When have I not thought about him since that day when I left him? Pushed him away with my own two hands? And yet he came back and realized the true notions behind my cold words. And he had accepted. But the brief email had shown none of his humor, none of his personality and none of what his reaction would be when we met again.

I was afraid.

I could admit that now... Would he show his usual laughing mask or would he try for something more? Would I accept or once again hurt him as I had already done when I told the lie of not loving him? I was afraid of my reaction to him... a reaction that I could not swear would be based on my self-control alone. Because when it came to him... self-control didn't count for anything. Self-control came from the mind and yet when I'm with him, the only thing I'm aware of reacting is the pounding of the heart that I hadn't known I'd had.

Stopping the motorcycle atop a small cliff overlooking the sea, I closed my eyes as a conversation came to my mind.

"Heero... give him time. You're not recovered and Duo needs to sort out his own feelings at the moment... He needs his space to know exactly what he wants from you and you need to give that to him. But make sure that once he does tell you, try to fulfill... and never let go. Most important, never, ever, let go."

      Even lovers need a holiday
      Far away
      From each other

How curious that it was Relena who had said those words to me as soon as I'd insisted on following Duo after his disappearance. Relena who had dogged my steps for all of the time I'd spent on Earth had been able to show her understanding and support to the one person whom she loved, but who loved another. Relena who had told me of her love but then immediately urged me to hold Duo within my grasp and never let go.

I hadn't listened.

I'd let Duo go... no... I'd pushed Duo away and though I had and still mourned for the loss of the beautiful braided boy's company and open smiles, I couldn't wish that he were here with me where he might get hurt... or even worse.

Perhaps it was for the best but God knew I dreaded this meeting as much as I welcomed it. I wanted - I needed - to see how he was doing but what to do if I found that he wasn't coping, I wasn't sure. I'd already hurt him once... and he'd accepted and somehow forgiven. But could I stand to hurt him again...? Would he forgive me if I hurt him again...? Would I forgive myself?

It'd already taken everything I'd had to say those words to him once... and I'd unashamedly cried that night when I failed to wake up to a pair of gentle hands and a soft voice to coax me out of the frequent and familiar nightmares that gripped me. The first time I could remember crying... Not even for that little girl had I given in to the urge to let my feelings out in the form of tears rolling down my cheeks. Not even the knowledge that I had killed the entire Alliance's peace committee had roused such a feeling of guilt as that that had bombarded me as I walked away from the fire blazing in a pair of indigo-violet eyes.

Since when had he held such power over me? That he could force me to display my emotions as any civilian would despite my training...? What was that power that could almost force me to turn around after I'd left the clearing and the urge to hold him in my arms and tell him it was all lies when my mind knew that it was the for the best?

I shook my head and groped for the silver crucifix that dangled from my neck on a thin silver chain. But again, it only served as a reminder of what I could hold but chose not to... It had been the way of my life and it seemed that I was never going to learn to take the other way out. I'd always been offered two roads and everytime, I had opted to walk the darker instead of the brighter one.

Blanking my thoughts, I followed the setting sun with my eyes, watching as the sky turned from its normal autumn blue to the darker shade of violet that I could never mistake.

Why do I keep thinking about him?? Perhaps I knew and just didn't want to admit to myself but... how I wished this war would end. Once I might have wished that the war would continue because I had nothing else, allowed nothing else to enter my mind except for the training I'd been conditioned for... afraid that I would no longer be able to exist in a world filled with the peace and love that I knew absolutely nothing about.

But Duo had shown me the way to live and not just to exist... to take everything as it comes and enjoy the life you lead, no matter how much you resent it. I know Duo resents this life... Under the mask of the happy and laughing eyes, a darkness lingers that not even his incorrigible nature could banish.

Those eyes are a window to his soul and though most of the time showing his true happiness and feelings, there are times when the mask would lower to try to hide the memories that he tries to suppress, to keep hidden, from others... and from himself. In that I think he is stronger than I could ever be. I had thought to rid myself of the life that could offer me nothing but pain. Using one of Duo's favorite phrases, I had been looking for an empty place in the long line of souls waiting to see Death, wanting so much to slot myself in and rid myself of the pain I suffered but did not acknowledge everyday.

He, on the other hand, has learned to live with his guilt... and though he tries to hide from it, he has still accepted it and come out of all his painful childhood with nothing but a smiling face and a caring disposition. He has taken so much battering and yet still came out grinning like a hero... I wonder if the last memory he has of me has been pushed into the back of his mind... stowed there until the day when he can again unleash his anger on me and rail at me. I would welcome that day, if it ever comes. Until then I am left to wonder and to hope for the ending of the war that had become more important to me than just the peace it would bring for the millions of lives that had suffered through almost two decades of war.

It would be the time when I could stop killing and embrace what I cannot be allowed to now... It would be a time when I would no longer see the bright blue eyes and the sweet voice calling me 'niichan' over and over in my mind... It would be the time when I could learn to be human.

And the time when I could finally say the words I could never say until then to someone other than myself...

Ai shiteru... Duo... I miss you...

      Couldn't stand to be kept away
      Not for a day
      From your body

Sunlight streamed in from the open window and I looked up from my position at my laptop, collecting last minute info that Intelligence had uncovered. Sunrise... time to go.

Getting up, I switched my laptop off and grabbed it as I strode out the door. Stopping in the doorway, I turned for a last look but it was unnecessary. All the belongings I had not packed had been burned yesterday and all that remained of the small shack that I'd spent over a month in was the bare floorboards and the flimsy desk and bed. Snatching my carry sack off the stand in the hallway, I made my way outside and into the jeep, starting it up and pulling out of the track with a roar of the engine and spraying gravel everywhere.

I knew my eyes were dull and my lips were pulled taut in a line of concentration. I could not afford to be distracted now... mental shields went up around my mind against a certain pair of violet eyes and a certain grinning face. I wouldn't -- couldn't -- think about it now...

Roaring along the road in the jeep, I soon pulled into the temporary bunker where I'd stowed Wing and its tremendous bulk loomed over me as I got out and jumped onto the scaffolding. Checking my watch, I nodded to myself and climbed into the cockpit where I'd spent so much of the past few months. Firing up the thrusters and moving my infallible partner from its resting place, I walked Wing out and took off as soon as I'd gained enough distance.

Transforming Wing into its bird mode so as to gain more speed, I busied myself checking and rechecking all the external signs that were coming in, all green and normal. It was a way to keep my brain busy and my thoughts focused but in the back of my mind, a little voice was still urging me to check the radar screen where soon I would see the signals of all four of the other specific gundam signatures, all homing in on the waterfront base that was our target. Where I would see one gundam in particular that I couldn't wait yet never really wanted to see.

Waterfront base... that would mean Trowa, Quatre and Wufei on land taking out the existing infrastructure and Duo and I in the water, dispatching all OZ carriers and tankers that made port there. I could only hope that two months had been enough for me to reinforce my mask... and that Duo would be okay...

Bleeping on the radar aroused my attentions and my head snapped to scan the small green dot moving over the screen at a pace slightly slower than Wing's. Wufei.

Communications opened up and Wufei's face appeared on my visuals, eyes narrowed slightly and a calculating look on his face. He gave me a perfunctory nod, which I returned and then noticed that he was giving me a searching look before shaking his head and turning his attentions back to his monitors. What...?

Two more dots appeared on my radar and distracted me from my thoughts. Heavyarms and Sandrock, coming in together as they always did on large scale missions... as we used to and would have, had I not...

I shook my head violently. What was wrong with me?! I was fast approaching the target and yet I was still dwelling on other unimportant thoughts that could ruin my mission! Pull yourself together Yuy!

Target approached and I pulled Wing through the transformation before emerging with my buster rifle in one hand and the beam saber in the other. As I flew straight for the water's edge, I saw on my visuals Shenlong shaking out its beam glaive and launching its dragon fist towards the first of the buildings that occupied the area. Sandrock swerved and cut, twin scimitars glowing with the red heat of battle while both Quatre and Wufei fought to the steady sounds of Heavyarms' guns clacking away at full speed in the background.

Pulling the trigger and sending a scorching beam of heat and energy at the largest of the carriers that no doubt held more of OZ's mobile suit army, I scanned the surroundings for the sign of the Gundam that I knew so well...

Where the hell was the Shinigami?

      Wouldn't want to be swept away
      Far away from
      The one that I love

Continuing the battle, I swept the area with my radar on maximum power and still Deathscythe failed to register. A fog of anxiety colored my mind but I knew that my face retained the concentration that was without effort as I piloted Wing in the air above the waves. Where was he? Surely he wouldn't... hadn't aborted the mission...!

Just then bubbles of air rose to the surface from the water below and I paused for a tenth of a second to watch the waves begin to pound as the large bulk of something proceeded to move through it. Hoping that it wasn't a submersed mobile suit carrier, I angled Wing down for a closer look and it was only then that I caught the flash of a green thermal blade in the dark blue depths.

A beam scythe.

A muted explosion rocked the water and smoke began swirling above the waves, a column of dark grey fog that blanketed the immediate area before dissipating into the air as nothingness.

I watched in minute shock as from the smoke, a dark shadow emerged and was already flying before I thought to register the final visual image that had propped up on my screen.

The Shinigami was present and accounted for.

Duo's maniacal laughter echoed all around me and suppressing a small affectionate grin, I reached to turn the volume of my interior speakers down.

"Haha! Take that you OZ scum! Prepare to go to Hell!!!"

Content with Duo's seemingly unchanged presence, I relaxed slightly in my seat and fired again upon the carriers next to those Duo was happily slicing up. It wasn't until Quatre's voice penetrated my thoughts that I glanced up from my concentration.

"Did you get all of those cloaked Pisces Duo-kun?"

Duo laughed and smiled at Quatre impishly through the com line. "Oi Quatre, don't you have more faith in me than that? This is the Shinigami you're talking to here!"

Quatre grinned. "I have the utmost faith in you Duo-kun, but you did just report thirty cloaked Pisces..."

Duo waved a hand with carelessness. "Maa, piece of cake!"

One phrase struck me. 'Just report'? Nani...?

It was then that I realized I still did not detect Deathscythe's signal on my radar... and yet Quatre and undoubtedly the others had also known about the Shinigami's movements and whereabouts... Otherwise Quatre would have been worried... How...?

I glanced closer at Duo's face and caught the wild glint that shined in Duo's eyes as he leapt towards the helpless OZ carriers, thermal scythe swinging with almost careless inconsideration. The laughter was a little too forced and the grin a little too wide to be real...

Duo had cut me off...

Knowing the mechanic, and to a lesser degree, the hacker that he was, he'd been able to configure Deathscythe's signal so that it wouldn't show up on Wing's radar. Therefore I wouldn't know where the hell he was until he opened up a com channel and came within visual range.

Bakayaro!

What the hell are you doing Duo? Don't you know that this is dangerous? If this is your way of punishing me then at least do it a conventional way... you could get yourself killed!! If I happen to even knick you with my rifle...

Wordlessly, I retracted the rifle and settled for the beam saber instead... I couldn't take the risk...

      Hold me now
      It's hard for me to say I'm sorry
      I just want you to know

Silently cursing at the American that had refused to acknowledge my presence, I fought on, taking down the flagships one by one until none were left and then turned my attentions to the water. Deathscythe was no where to be found and only the foam of warm air bubbles rising to the surface indicated that there was a battle taking place on the sea bed.

Cutting power to Wing's thrusters, I plunged my gundam into the sea, tuning the radar to high power as I squinted through the cloud of bubbles. Bleeping on the radar alerted me to the squadron of mobile suits coming my way. I smirk grimly. Pisces may be able to be cloaked but the larger Cancers had absolutely no chance of staying anonymous.

Unable to effectively use the beam saber underwater, I took a chance and using the rapidly disappearing numbers of Cancers that was vanishing from my screen some way away as an indication of Deathscythe's position, squeezed off a short burst of energy on the rifle. The bright yellow beam tore through the water slower than usual due to the water resistance but still managed to take out four Cancers from their closely assembled formation.

The battle continued and I lost track of time, all I knew was the squeezing of the buster rifle's trigger, the muffled explosions of the mobile suits that surrounded me, the checking and rechecking of the position of Deathscythe on the radar by deduction... and the small pain inside my chest that was growing larger by the second. It hurt... Futilely, I adjusted my safety straps so that they weren't snugly coupled over my chest but I was kidding myself...

There was only one thing that was causing the pain... and only one thing that could take it away but that one savior had long since been out of my reach... pushed away by my own two hands... It figures... I had never recognized a savior until they were gone...

That little girl with the puppy... so long ago she could have saved my humanity and perhaps my soul. Her bright and happy nature, the innocence that only one of such love could retain in a situation of war... *Niichan, are you lost?* And she had slipped through my fingers... I had failed to keep her alive, to preserve the pure innocence that was so precious and rare in the world we lived in...

That was once, this was twice... Duo...

I had been given a second chance but I'd pushed that chance away, now only clinging to the few strands of hope that I knew three words could strengthen... 'Duo I'm sorry...' But now was not the time and I wondered when the time would ever come.

Taking a good look around as the last of the Pisces around me sank to the ocean floor, I heard Trowa murmur, "Ninmu kanryou..." I nodded and searched the radar again just to make sure there were no more mobile suits in the vicinity when I caught sight of four Cancers in attack formation around a spot of seemingly empty seabed. That was when I realized Duo's psychotic laughter was no longer ringing in my ears.

No!

Shock coloring my mind and pushing Wing to full power, I raced towards the disaster spot and as dark and rolling water cleared in front of me, I saw what made my breath stop coming.

The dark bulk of Shinigami was partially surrounded by four Cancers and two cloaked Pisces, all baring their torpedoes, aiming for Deathscythe in the center. Duo had frozen and Deathscythe stood still... and it didn't take much to see that one of the external navigational components which allowed for quick movement had been blasted off.

Rushing Wing along, I gritted my teeth and squeezed through the opening between two Cancers as the unmistakable but muffled sounds of torpedoes being launched reached my ears. Not sparing a second, I barrelled into Deathscythe, slamming into the unmoving bulk just as I felt the first of the torpedoes impact with the gundanium body of Wing.

Crushing Deathscythe into the seabed, I tried to keep my seat as the cockpit shook and rocked, the emergency lights and sirens blaring in my ears. Then a particularly hard knock came and I flew out of my loose harness.

My body flew with the momentum of the shock and I felt detached as a bright field of crimson flooded my vision and pain exploded before my eyes. Merciful blackness followed crimson and I felt myself slipping under no matter how hard I fought it...

Well... at least I had saved...

A noise startled me and through the blood pounding in my ears, I thought I heard the familiar sound of a deep and husky voice screaming my name...

I sank deeper into the darkness and a last thought floated across my mind before I knew no more...

Duo... I wish I had said it...

      Hold me now
      I really want to tell you I'm sorry
      I could never let you go

The thick fog in my mind began to clear and as consciousness returned, I awoke to the feeling of something stroking my hair and the pain pounding in my brain. Keeping my eyes closed, I submitted to the tender ministrations of the person tending me. The person I knew so well...

It'd been so long since... and I'd forgotten the feel of his fingers on my skin. Rough callused pads with infinite gentility as the traced their way down my unmoving face and ran over my features like braille.

Perhaps it was selfish, and perhaps it was weak but all I wanted at this moment was to lie there and know that Duo would still be here when I woke up...

I'm so sorry Duo... I'm sorry....

But I couldn't say those words, not yet... perhaps not ever... but I could never let go... not while a shred of hope still exists in me that one day the war would be over and that was the day when we could start over... It was a foolish hope, and hope was the only thing that didn't keep its promises but I needed that hope... it was the only thing keeping the small flame that had once burned so bright in my heart from completely extinguishing.

Unbidden, my eyes opened and instantly, I was graced with the glance of the pair of familiar yet breathtaking violet-blue eyes centered on my face. Eyes that were filled with tears...

I felt my throat constrict and suddenly I had trouble breathing. The emotions in those all too expressive eyes... eyes that could hide their depths from the world but never me... were filled with pain and love... He still loved me...

The hand that had been resting in my hair stilled and time stood still as we stared at each other for the first time in two months...

A minute passed, maybe more... all I knew were the feelings running through the deep amaryllis eyes and the gentle breath that wafted past my face. My arms ached to hold the boy in front of me or to touch that heart shaped face that was engraved into my memory but my mind knew that I could not...

I couldn't stay here anymore... any longer and I would slip. My self-control never worked when I was around Duo and even two months of separation could not change that...

I sat up and made to get off the bed when stars exploded in my head and I was forced to clutch at the sheets and grit my teeth to keep from voicing my pain. A pair of gentle but firm hands pushed at my shoulders and I submitted, unable to do anything but let it happen.

Once I was lying on the bed again, I heard Duo speak.

"Gomen... I meant to restock the painkillers in my first-aid kit but I guess I kinda forgot..."

I kept my eyes averted but allowed for a small grunt of contempt. Duo, let me go now... don't make this harder than it has to be...

A breath hitched in Duo's throat and the next words came out in a choked whisper. "Thanks... for saving me back there..."

Again I snorted and in the coldest voice managable, I said, "You should have watched your back."

My head was still spinning and I knew I had a concussion... I hoped it wasn't bad enough to slow me down too much...

"Wing suffered minor damage, I returned it to the cavern you used after I got the info from the memory banks. You've got a slight concussion and a cut on your head... as well as a few bruises..."

"I figured..."

I needed to go... if only to escape the pair of eyes that were burning into my side and raking me over with their searching glance.

I'm sorry Duo... forgive me...

      And after all that you've been through
      I will make it up to you
      I promise you

Levering myself up slowly, I resisted the hands that tried to push me back down and waited for the dizziness to pass.

"Heero, you need to lie down... you've got a concussion - "

I cut him off. "I'm fine." With that I slowly got off the bed and taking a look around the room at any thing but Duo, I walked towards the door slowly. I had to get out...

Opening the door and stepping out into the dark hallway, I began walking towards the front door, only to hear a chair cluttering hastily to the floor and rapid footsteps following in my wake.

I kept walking as a voice behind me yelled, "Heero! Matte!" I ignored the voice... I couldn't afford not to... The walk down the hallway seemed to stretch for forever in front of me as Duo's steps followed closer to my own. Duo... stop... please...

His hand descended on my shoulder and I shrugged him off, noting the slight gasp of breath as I kept walking...

Then the footsteps began to walk faster and just before I reached the door, a hand roughly pulled me around by the shoulders. Caught slightly off guard, I turned and then stumbled back as a fist crashed into my cheek, lightly snapping my neck to the side with the force of the blow.

Anger boiled up inside me... part of it at him for not letting me go and forcing me into this situation which I had no control over... but most of it at myself... It was me who had pushed Duo into doing this... and his pain was one thing I could never forgive myself for...

Lifting my face, I let the anger overtake me and I felt my face turn to stone... all the better for my purpose but Duo's eyes were already snapping violet sparks, his cheeks a flushed red and his fists clenched at his side.

"Temee..." he muttered in a tense tone. "You cold-hearted bastard... You really don't care do you...?"

I growled back. "You know the answer to that... don't make me repeat myself."

He gave out a bitter laugh as the life drained out of the violet eyes, leaving an empty shell filled with bitterness and anger. "Yeah... I know... you made it pretty clear last time didn't you Heero?"

I shrugged and kept my face neutral... I couldn't show my feelings... not when every single cell in my body was tuned to Duo's expressions and hurt at the sight of the familiar yet strange boy that stood before me... I had caused that change in Duo and the one thing that I couldn't show was the heavy regret I felt for the loss of the loving and laughing boy I'd once known... and treasured...

For what seemed like the millionth time since we'd separated, I said in my mind, 'I'm sorry Duo... I'll make it up to you... I promise...'

Anger flashed and Duo raised his voice. "Bastard... If you didn't care then why didn't you let me die back there?! Did you think you could prolong my suffering just by keeping me alive??!!"

"You're an important part of Operation M. If I had wanted you dead, or if you were becoming a liability, I would kill you myself..." Those words hurt... and then steadily growing pain inside my heart tore a little more at the resonance of those words throughout the room.

Violet eyes bore into mine and Duo's voice once again went quiet. "And do you want me dead?"

I chose not to answer... I could not answer... to answer either way would be to give myself away or to truly condemn my heart to eternal darkness... I could do neither...

But Duo did not give me a choice.

He smirked at me and then drew his gun from its holster at his back. Holding the barrel and pointing the butt at me, he extended the gun towards me. "Prove what you just said Heero... could you kill me? Prove it. I am a liability, I really don't care what happens to the mission anymore... could you prove your words Heero?"

      And after all that's been said and done
      You're just a part of me I can't let go

His eyes challenged me and his hand was unwavering as he extended his gun out for me to take. My hand reached of its own volition for the gun and gripped the butt as I raised it to aim at his head. He faced me with a smile and stared at me as I began squeezing the trigger...

God what was I doing??

I let the gun hang suspended for a second before dropping it to the floor. Only then did my fogged mind realize the gun was empty...

Duo's eyes flashed with triumph. "You can't do it can you Heero? You can't pull the trigger... You can't hide from me Heero... I know you... I know you too well..."

My mind raced as I realized his ploy. The gun was empty for a reason. If I had pulled the trigger, it would not have ended his life... it would have shattered his heart. The heart where I knew he kept a piece of me... If I had pulled the trigger, he would have known that what I'd said was true... If I hadn't, he would have known that those words had been lies... I had failed... but this was one failure which satisfied more than the success...

Coldly, I kept up the act. "I hate to see the waste of a good soldier..."

Uncertainty flashed in those eyes before they returned to complete control and Duo smirked. He lunged forward and I stepped back instinctively. But instead of reaching for me, his hand clenched around the silver chain dangling from my neck, the crucifix hidden by my tank top.

Angry twin violet pools filled my vision as he shook the crucifix, his crucifix, in my face with a smirk on his face. "Is that the reason why you wear this Heero? Is this the reason I found that picture of you and me gone when I returned to the dorm room that day? Tell me Heero... are those the reasons?"

I was speechless but my face betrayed none of my reactions and I was grateful for that one little respite. I couldn't stay... no now... not when he had seen through me so clearly that all I wanted to do was confess everything then and there...

Growling, I swatted his hand away and opened the front door. Spotting the two dirt bikes nearby, I began walking and this time he let me go, only following me so far as the porch.

I stopped when his voice once again reached out to me and the wind carried his voice to my ears.

"I meant what I said on the email Heero... We both know what's going on here but if you want I'll play by your rules for the time being."

I looked back and saw the resigned look on his face turn to one that was hard and unforgiving. "But I won't play the game forever Heero... I'll give you six months from the day the war ends. If we're both alive, find me and we'll see what is left... If you don't by the end of the six months..." His voice turned cold and I felt my heart freeze over at the next sentence. "Don't ever hope or expect to see me again..."

In my mind I stared at the hard face that gazed right back at me and I saw a truth that was frightening in those hard indigo eyes. Duo meant it...

I turned back and walked towards the bikes again, jumping onto one and revving it up before squealing out of the secluded shack.

Duo...

      I can't let go

Wind rushed into my face as I sped along the road, a pair of hard indigo eyes boring into me from my memory. As I sped along, I felt a trickle of something wet flowing down my cheeks. I didn't kid myself... it wasn't the wind... it could only be one thing...

Duo...

Six months... ninmu ryoukai...

I promise Duo... if we're both alive... I promise...

I will find you again...

I love you...